Five Ways to Keep Peace Around the Holiday Dinner Table

William FitzGerald, an associate professor at Rutgers-Camden, offers advice on how to survive seasonal festivities

The holiday season can be fraught for many families, especially this year, with celebrations starting just a few weeks after a contentious presidential election that divided the country.

William FitzGerald, associate professor of English at Rutgers University–Camden and a scholar of rhetoric, civility, and argument, stressed the importance of recognizing what ties us together despite differences.

Here is what FitzGerald – who himself has had to learn what to say and not say around the table – claims are some secrets to enjoying peaceful holidays:

Remember why you are there

To celebrate our blessings as individuals, and as a nation, despite differences of opinion. What unites us is greater than what divides us. It is helpful to remember, too, that holidays are a call to come together – think of these as official days off from partisan politics and other disagreements.

Are you spoiling for a fight? 

Ahead of time, reflect and decide what you want. Are you spoiling for a fight, even if it means ruining the holiday for hosts and guests? If you are the host, how can you present yourself as hospitable and welcoming? If you are a guest, what does it mean to be gracious in your host’s home? Someone will probably provoke you, intentionally or otherwise, so it is wise to be prepared.

Look for common ground

Discuss topics like politics in terms of shared hopes and interests rather than identity politics. Express commonplace sentiments such as being thankful the presidential election is behind us; and, perhaps, the new administration will be successful.

Resist snark

Refrain from any kind of gloating or scapegoating. Above all, do not blame your relatives and friends for things out of their direct control, particularly political control. The holiday dinner table is not an extension of the comments section of your favorite news outlet or opinion of your favorite online influencer.

Avoid speechmaking

Because politics invariably will come up, ask questions but avoid speechmaking. Take an active interest in what others think rather than mount counterarguments (especially "what about..." retorts). This strategy can defuse tense situations when someone wants to start an argument.

Those who want to avoid politics altogether can discuss kids, travel, favorite shows and movies, and special family moments and memories.

“Forget spontaneity,” FitzGerald says, but prepare in advance for a positive experience.

“There’s nothing foolproof here,” FitzGerald concludes. “But goodwill and a focus on the reasons, personal and civic, that bring us together for the holiday season will give us reason enough to be thankful – and not just because it will all soon be over.’’